Do you ever feel like you are making good progress with your mental illness, whatever it may be – depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, OCD etc. And then out of no where you have a really bad day and it feels like everything is coming back again.
It’s like you really thought you were getting somewhere, hopefully having a good-day streak as I like to call it and then all of a sudden, a bad day hits you and you are right back where you started, thinking that every day after is going to be the same.
This bad day puts you back into this type of bubble and sometimes feels like you have hit rock bottom again. It sucks and gives you all sorts of feelings. You are overwhelmed, distraught, confused, empty, isolated.
Damn, I feel like this happens to me a lot. I know I do have good days but I can never have many in a row. But I have many bad days in a row.
The last two days for me have been terrible, just absolutely filled with depression and OCD. Those two illnesses took over me the last two days.
Sometimes it’s just anxiety, sometimes it’s just depression, sometimes it’s both, sometimes it’s anxiety mixed with intense OCD and depression. Mental illness is weird is all I have to say. It’s like I wake up and pull a card out of a hat and every card could have one mental illness on it, two, or three, or more for all I know. And that card tells me what will hit me for that day.
Anyways, yes the last two days were depression and OCD together. I know some people will have no idea what this feels like. Some will have a great idea of what it feels like. Some people who don’t have a mental illness will think I am either delusional, have no idea what I am talking about, or improperly diagnosing myself when I say that.
But I know. I know for sure. No matter what anyone says. Not my doctor, not my friends nor my family, not a stranger. They don’t know unless they feel it too. And it sucks because I can try explaining it to people but it’s very difficult for them to understand.
But then again, how do I try to make other people understand these feelings when I have spent a lifetime it seems trying to understand them myself. Mental illness is the weirdest thing on the planet. It’s all in the brain and maybe that is why. Don’t they say the brain is the thing of the human body we know the least about?
I don’t know. But it sucks. People think you’re crazy, a disgrace, a shame. Stupid stigma. But these people have no idea what we feel when we say we have a mental illness.
It is so weird to think that there are people out there that actually feel normal and don’t struggle with mental health. I don’t know what that feels like. At all. These people don’t struggle with ongoing intrusive compulsive thoughts? Thoughts of anything? The past? What people think of me? A conversation I just had even if it was a simple hi, hello, how are you, but did I say everything right? What does that person think of me? Was I okay there? When did I start feeling this way? How screwed up is society? Anything will hit me. Any thought. Anything. And I have to battle it out and repeat the compulsion over and over and over again in my head.
That is how screwed up it feels like. But when it’s depression and OCD, every intrusive compulsive thought is negative. I go to war with my thoughts. And no matter what it feels like or if I am winning, the war will never end. And so it’s not that I lose, but I never win as well. It is a never ending battle. The urge is always there. There are limitless soldiers.
The last two days were very rough. That is what it felt like. Alone in my room. Doing nothing but going to war in my head. I would try to do something. Watch a TV show, write, play games, but it doesn’t matter. The mental illness takes over and stops everything I am doing.
But before these two days, I had a good day. I had a really good day it felt like. I was productive. I didn’t question myself, nor my conversations, nor life in general. I went with it and it felt good. Weirdly, oddly replenishing. And I asked myself why was I having a good day?
Why couldn’t every day be like this? I didn’t know. Why was I having a good day? I don’t know. But then I thought I don’t need a reason I guess.
I ask myself when I have a bad day, why am I having a bad day? Why am I feeling like this? And the answer I come up with is that I have had this day before. I have had a bad day before. And so I can have one again. That is mental illness. I have hit rock bottom before. The lowest of lows ever imaginable in a person’s life. And so I can feel this worse again.
But on the contrary, I struggle so hard to figure out why I am having a good day. It’s like trying to find out why makes me frustrated and puts me on the verge of switching to a bad day. I can see a mountain of intrusive compulsive thoughts coming at me.
But I think as I write this that we don’t need a reason to have a good day. And it is silly to ask why. Because we have all had good days before. Before we were mentally ill. While we are mentally ill. We have all had them. And so we can have them again. We felt that way before and we can feel that way again.
So each day continues. And sometimes I wonder what type of day I will have tomorrow. Usually bad because most days I have are. But I hope for a good day. And when a good day comes I will just go with it and enjoy it. That is what we must all do.
And when a bad day comes, I am guilty of letting it take over my soul. But I will try to fight. It’s all I can do. And you should too.